I found some early journal entries from 2009/2010; fresh out of the world of perversion and confusion. This speaks of when I went from the county jail to prison.
Journal Entry 09/15/2010 6:09 am- "I didn't mind getting in trouble and being sent to "the hole" because in lockdown I could stay in bed all day and my meals were brought to me. "This is the LIFE!!!!" I thought to myself on more than one occasion in the filthy six foot by nine foot cement room while laying on my inch thick worn out piece of foam that they called a mattress that rested on the steel cold frame. But that was the county jail... then I finally went to PRISON!
It was a whole new ball game, these were real convicts and had a lot more time to do than the guys I was used to in the county jails.
My first week in prison I had been 'coerced' to engage in many sexual activities with more than a handful of guys, not to mention the ones I was doing every chance I got just for kicks. It wasn't so
much that I minded being raped, it was almost nothing at that point. I knew how to lay there, take it and move on to forget it.
Sad existence to be "immune" to rape, to believe it "okay or "normal" to be forced to be the subject of some random man's lusts & pleasures. Especially afterwards, to not report it but to just take a shower, "wash it away" and move on.
I always wanted more. I really just wanted to be loved or at least HELD & APPRECIATED. But if they couldn't handle that then it was time they went to the canteen and took care of me from that point forward. I became a hoe on the inside because I was a hoe on the outside. It is all I knew. And it was what I thought 'survival' to be about.
One time that haunted me for years was after I was transferred to another prison and I punched a corrections officer in the face for calling me "queer". (It used to be a very derogatory & insulting slur)
After hitting the officer (I know, wrong. But I was emotionally driven by thoughts & feelings w/ the mental disorder of being trans) I was put into a shower stall naked, having already been beaten & stomped by the officers (not to mention "gassed" every few hours... that is tear-gassed). Then I was placed in a cell with 2 "lifers" (convicts serving life sentences).
Both of these men were in lockdown for at least a year each. I was totally, literally & horrifically used & abused. Severely! Rescued by chance. The one "friend" I had made there, a nurse from the main compound, just so "happened" to fill in for the usual nurse that day and had to bring medications to an inmate that was in the lock-down area they had me in.
She saw me laying on a mat, on the floor, beaten down, bruised, out of it and completely drained and she demanded I be brought down to the main compound ASAP. She probably saved my life. It was nothing nice and I was reminded of those horrible 3 days & nights for many, many months afterwards with aches, pains and terrible nightmares.
I was transferred out of there right after I was rescued by the nurse, and informed I COULD file a formal report OR I could forget it ever happened, be sent to another facility, get all of my "gain time" (something the prison system gives you (or takes away) for good behavior) and get out of prison sooner than later.
Of course I opted for the "get out of jail EARLIER card". I did my time but surprisingly I actually felt bad when it was time for me to go home. I wasn't quite sure I wanted to leave. I think I was "safe in the cage"! *End Of Entry*
My Commentary Now: Safe In The Cage. That is a term when someone is in prison and they get so used to the safety/confines of having their meals, accommodations etc... all taken care of that they don't really have a desire to be "free".
In prison I was the one that got all of the attention and was the closest thing to a woman they could get. That was my mentality and the way I thought. Sad, I know. I am so very Blessed to be able to look back and see the man I am today! Wow!!
The tears I cry as I post this blog! I hadn't thought about that scenario in a very long time. GOD Kept me safe in HIS Grip even when I was denying HIM and ignoring HIM.
It amazes me at times.
Journal Entry 09/15/2010 6:09 am- "I didn't mind getting in trouble and being sent to "the hole" because in lockdown I could stay in bed all day and my meals were brought to me. "This is the LIFE!!!!" I thought to myself on more than one occasion in the filthy six foot by nine foot cement room while laying on my inch thick worn out piece of foam that they called a mattress that rested on the steel cold frame. But that was the county jail... then I finally went to PRISON!
It was a whole new ball game, these were real convicts and had a lot more time to do than the guys I was used to in the county jails.
My first week in prison I had been 'coerced' to engage in many sexual activities with more than a handful of guys, not to mention the ones I was doing every chance I got just for kicks. It wasn't so
much that I minded being raped, it was almost nothing at that point. I knew how to lay there, take it and move on to forget it.
Sad existence to be "immune" to rape, to believe it "okay or "normal" to be forced to be the subject of some random man's lusts & pleasures. Especially afterwards, to not report it but to just take a shower, "wash it away" and move on.
I always wanted more. I really just wanted to be loved or at least HELD & APPRECIATED. But if they couldn't handle that then it was time they went to the canteen and took care of me from that point forward. I became a hoe on the inside because I was a hoe on the outside. It is all I knew. And it was what I thought 'survival' to be about.
One time that haunted me for years was after I was transferred to another prison and I punched a corrections officer in the face for calling me "queer". (It used to be a very derogatory & insulting slur)
After hitting the officer (I know, wrong. But I was emotionally driven by thoughts & feelings w/ the mental disorder of being trans) I was put into a shower stall naked, having already been beaten & stomped by the officers (not to mention "gassed" every few hours... that is tear-gassed). Then I was placed in a cell with 2 "lifers" (convicts serving life sentences).
Both of these men were in lockdown for at least a year each. I was totally, literally & horrifically used & abused. Severely! Rescued by chance. The one "friend" I had made there, a nurse from the main compound, just so "happened" to fill in for the usual nurse that day and had to bring medications to an inmate that was in the lock-down area they had me in.
She saw me laying on a mat, on the floor, beaten down, bruised, out of it and completely drained and she demanded I be brought down to the main compound ASAP. She probably saved my life. It was nothing nice and I was reminded of those horrible 3 days & nights for many, many months afterwards with aches, pains and terrible nightmares.
I was transferred out of there right after I was rescued by the nurse, and informed I COULD file a formal report OR I could forget it ever happened, be sent to another facility, get all of my "gain time" (something the prison system gives you (or takes away) for good behavior) and get out of prison sooner than later.
Of course I opted for the "get out of jail EARLIER card". I did my time but surprisingly I actually felt bad when it was time for me to go home. I wasn't quite sure I wanted to leave. I think I was "safe in the cage"! *End Of Entry*
My Commentary Now: Safe In The Cage. That is a term when someone is in prison and they get so used to the safety/confines of having their meals, accommodations etc... all taken care of that they don't really have a desire to be "free".
In prison I was the one that got all of the attention and was the closest thing to a woman they could get. That was my mentality and the way I thought. Sad, I know. I am so very Blessed to be able to look back and see the man I am today! Wow!!
The tears I cry as I post this blog! I hadn't thought about that scenario in a very long time. GOD Kept me safe in HIS Grip even when I was denying HIM and ignoring HIM.
It amazes me at times.