I found some very early journal entries from 2009 & 2010; I was fresh out of the world of perversion. This is pretty deep, and detailed. This is my own personal life experience and knowledge that I've gained in my life.
Journal Entry 09/15/2010 6:09 am- "I didn't mind getting in trouble and being sent to the hole [solitary confinement] because in lockdown I could stay in bed all day and my meals were brought to me. "This is the LIFE," I thought to myself on more than one occasion in the filthy 6' X 9' cement room while laying on my inch thick worn out piece of foam that they called a mattress that rested on a cold steel frame. That was the county jail... then I finally graduated... to PRISON!
It was a whole new ball game, now I was being housed with real convicts that had a lot more time to do than the guys I was used to in the county jails. These convicts were also guilty of some horrible & heinous crimes.
My first week in prison I had been 'coerced' to engage in many sexual activities with more than a handful of guys, not to mention the ones I was doing just for kicks. It wasn't so much that I minded being raped, it was almost nothing at that point in my life. I knew how to lay there, take it and zone out so I could move on and forget it when the perpetrator was done with me. I was... just a commodity after all.
Sad existence to be immune to rape, and to believe it okay or normal to be forced to be the subject of some random man's lusts & pleasures. Especially afterwards, to not report it but to just take a shower, wash it away and move on. At times I believe I found solace in the attention I got, or the deranged thought that I was just "that sensual!"
I always wanted more, just didn't know it was available to someone like me. I really just wanted to be loved or at least held and appreciated. But if they couldn't handle that then it was time they went to the canteen and took care of me from that point forward. I became a hooker on the inside of those prison walls because I was a hooker on the outside them. It truly is all I knew, engaging in sexual activities with men and boys. And it was what I thought 'survival' was all about.
There was one incident that haunted me for years; I was transferred to another prison and I punched a corrections officer in the face for calling me "queer". (that word was a very derogatory & insulting slur)
After hitting the officer, I knew I was wrong. But I was emotionally driven by thoughts & feelings w/ the abnormal condition of mental confusion: that is gender dysphoria. I was attacked, maced, beat on, stomped on and hurt badly by the Response Team. After being dragged across the entire compound (literally) to the confinement block, I was put into a shower stall naked; beaten and stomped on some more by the officers. I was also "gassed" every few hours... that is military grade tear-gassed. Then I was placed in a cell with 2 "lifers" (convicts serving life sentences).
Both of these men were in solitary confinement lockdown for at least a year each. I was totally, literally & horrifically used & abused. Severely raped and abused for days! I was rescued by chance. The one friend I had made there, a nurse from the main compound, just so happened to fill in for the usual nurse that day and had to bring medications to an inmate that was in the lock-down area they had me in.
She saw me laying on a mat, on the floor, beaten down, bruised, out of it and completely drained and she demanded I be brought down to the main compound ASAP. She probably saved my life. It was nothing nice and I was reminded of those horrible 3 days & nights for a very long time with the stitches, the aches, pains (internal and external), as well as the terrible nightmares I suffered for years to come.
I was transferred out of there right after I was rescued by the nurse, and informed I could file a formal report OR I could forget it ever happened, be sent to another facility, get all of my "gain time" (something the prison system gives you (or takes away) for good behavior) and get out of prison sooner, rather than later. The admin blackmailed me into not reporting how the officers on that compound treated me or the danger they placed me in by putting me in a cell with 2 convicts serving life sentences.
Of course I opted for the latter. I did my time but what really surprised me the most was that I actually felt bad when it was time for me to go home. I wasn't quite sure I wanted to leave. I was "safe in the cage"!
*End Of Entry*
What is "Safe In The Cage?" It is a term used when someone is in prison and they get so used to the safety/confines of having their meals, accommodations etc... all taken care of that they don't really have a desire to be "free." I've known some inmates to commit another crime before their release date just to stay in prison.
In prison I received so much attention. I was the closest thing to a woman some of those men would ever see again. That was my mentality and the way I thought. Sad, I know. I am so very Blessed to be able to look back and see the man I am today! What a Powerful GOD we have!
The tears I cry as I post this blog! I hadn't thought about that scenario in a very long time. GOD Kept me safe in HIS Grip even when I was denying HIM and ignoring HIM.
It amazes me at times.
Journal Entry 09/15/2010 6:09 am- "I didn't mind getting in trouble and being sent to the hole [solitary confinement] because in lockdown I could stay in bed all day and my meals were brought to me. "This is the LIFE," I thought to myself on more than one occasion in the filthy 6' X 9' cement room while laying on my inch thick worn out piece of foam that they called a mattress that rested on a cold steel frame. That was the county jail... then I finally graduated... to PRISON!
It was a whole new ball game, now I was being housed with real convicts that had a lot more time to do than the guys I was used to in the county jails. These convicts were also guilty of some horrible & heinous crimes.
My first week in prison I had been 'coerced' to engage in many sexual activities with more than a handful of guys, not to mention the ones I was doing just for kicks. It wasn't so much that I minded being raped, it was almost nothing at that point in my life. I knew how to lay there, take it and zone out so I could move on and forget it when the perpetrator was done with me. I was... just a commodity after all.
Sad existence to be immune to rape, and to believe it okay or normal to be forced to be the subject of some random man's lusts & pleasures. Especially afterwards, to not report it but to just take a shower, wash it away and move on. At times I believe I found solace in the attention I got, or the deranged thought that I was just "that sensual!"
I always wanted more, just didn't know it was available to someone like me. I really just wanted to be loved or at least held and appreciated. But if they couldn't handle that then it was time they went to the canteen and took care of me from that point forward. I became a hooker on the inside of those prison walls because I was a hooker on the outside them. It truly is all I knew, engaging in sexual activities with men and boys. And it was what I thought 'survival' was all about.
There was one incident that haunted me for years; I was transferred to another prison and I punched a corrections officer in the face for calling me "queer". (that word was a very derogatory & insulting slur)
After hitting the officer, I knew I was wrong. But I was emotionally driven by thoughts & feelings w/ the abnormal condition of mental confusion: that is gender dysphoria. I was attacked, maced, beat on, stomped on and hurt badly by the Response Team. After being dragged across the entire compound (literally) to the confinement block, I was put into a shower stall naked; beaten and stomped on some more by the officers. I was also "gassed" every few hours... that is military grade tear-gassed. Then I was placed in a cell with 2 "lifers" (convicts serving life sentences).
Both of these men were in solitary confinement lockdown for at least a year each. I was totally, literally & horrifically used & abused. Severely raped and abused for days! I was rescued by chance. The one friend I had made there, a nurse from the main compound, just so happened to fill in for the usual nurse that day and had to bring medications to an inmate that was in the lock-down area they had me in.
She saw me laying on a mat, on the floor, beaten down, bruised, out of it and completely drained and she demanded I be brought down to the main compound ASAP. She probably saved my life. It was nothing nice and I was reminded of those horrible 3 days & nights for a very long time with the stitches, the aches, pains (internal and external), as well as the terrible nightmares I suffered for years to come.
I was transferred out of there right after I was rescued by the nurse, and informed I could file a formal report OR I could forget it ever happened, be sent to another facility, get all of my "gain time" (something the prison system gives you (or takes away) for good behavior) and get out of prison sooner, rather than later. The admin blackmailed me into not reporting how the officers on that compound treated me or the danger they placed me in by putting me in a cell with 2 convicts serving life sentences.
Of course I opted for the latter. I did my time but what really surprised me the most was that I actually felt bad when it was time for me to go home. I wasn't quite sure I wanted to leave. I was "safe in the cage"!
*End Of Entry*
What is "Safe In The Cage?" It is a term used when someone is in prison and they get so used to the safety/confines of having their meals, accommodations etc... all taken care of that they don't really have a desire to be "free." I've known some inmates to commit another crime before their release date just to stay in prison.
In prison I received so much attention. I was the closest thing to a woman some of those men would ever see again. That was my mentality and the way I thought. Sad, I know. I am so very Blessed to be able to look back and see the man I am today! What a Powerful GOD we have!
The tears I cry as I post this blog! I hadn't thought about that scenario in a very long time. GOD Kept me safe in HIS Grip even when I was denying HIM and ignoring HIM.
It amazes me at times.